I really thought all the way down that this was going to be a joke, a parody of a person so obsessed with Products they're actually sorry for people who don't buy THEIR AMAZING BRAND.

But you're apparently serious.

So no, I'm never going to buy an Apple Watch or any smart watch. I don't need them. I don't need any of the features they provide. I'm much more likely to die of a heart attack by being constantly bombarded with stressful media than I am to have my life saved by some expensive gadget.

I own a six-year-old cellphone, which was the cheapest non-junk model I could buy at the time. It's dying and when it does, I'll buy another cheap phone and I will almost never use it, like I almost never use this one.

I don't even have that phone in the room where I sleep. Coincidentally, I lie down in bed, and I'm asleep in minutes, unlike almost everyone I know. I too used to suffer from insomnia when I first got a cell phone and scrolled through it before going to bed.

And I'm no Luddite. I make my living programming computers. But I like my real life. I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and I walk around and look at that, not my phone.