This is a devastating story. I'm so, so sorry this happened to you.

Many years ago, my best friend committed suicide. I was devastated.

My mother gave me very good advice which I will relay to you, paraphrased.

She said, "You can't attribute suicide to some sort of rational decision to repudiate you and the world. Suicide is usually an impulse crime, an impulsive act of madness - looking for rational causes won't work. Trying to second-guess if what you did or said might have caused it has no value. It's more accurate and much better for you to consider it like a car accident, a bad roll of the dice."

In the decades since, I've read quite a bit about suicide, and much of what I have read backs up what she said.

I hope this helps, but gosh, I wish that things had gone better for you. I really hope things look up in the future.